An Idiot in an Investment Banking Interview

 

Q. If hired, what will you bring to this company?

Karlologist: Well I’ve usually got a rucksack with me, yanno, with my lunch and that in. I can bring in whatever you want if you tell me before the shops close.

Q. No, what aspect of your personality makes you well suited to working at the company?

Karlologist: My personality can be summed up pretty easily: I don’t like fun. I’m not a fan of holidays, parties, traveling, or anything that has to be planned in advance. Even maintaining relationships with family and friends is too much hassle. I think that could make me pretty well suited.

Q. Okay… How would your friends describe you?

Karlologist: I can’t really decide if they even like me. Ricky and Stephen always talk me up, they say I’m intelligent, but not in a normal way. But then they just laugh at me and call me an idiot whenever I try to answer any question, they say I just ramble on about nonsense that’s not even relevant…

Q. Hmm… let’s move on. If you were a brand, which would you be and why?

Karlologist: Well I only know Russell Brand and Jo Brand, I co-hosted four radio shows with Russell Brand on BBC 6Music. I’m not a woman, so I’m not really like Jo, but she’s got short hair and his is really long so I don’t really look like him. I’d probably just be Karl Brand.

Q. Let’s try something different. Describe a time when you encountered a difficult client and explain how you handled the situation.

Well after I moved to London to work with XFM as a producer, I was working with Gail Porter and I kept trying to help her improve her performance. It didn’t work. She kept getting upset that I was criticising her and she left in tears after only one show.

Q. Where do you think interest rates will be in the next 12 months?

Karlologist: I’m not all that interested now, but in 12 months it’ll probably be about the same. I’m not very interested in most things.

Q. Well, before we round things up is there any questions you would like to ask?

Karlologist: There is something I’ve been wondering about…

Q. Yes?

Karlologist: I was thinking about stick insects, right. Them being alive means that at some point an insect must have, yanno, been with a stick. How is that even possible?

Q. I think it’s best we leave it there. We may be in contact… thank you for your time.

 

Karl Pilkington

Karl Pilkington, // Sky1